The Rules: Road Trip Bathroom Breaks

We continue our look at the heretofore unwritten rules of road tripping with the age-old question of where to go when you have to go. In my travels, I've seen the entire spectrum of public bathrooms, from good to bad. Well, I don't know if any public restroom actually qualifies as "good", so I'll say "acceptable to bad" instead.

I've also been a part of very opposing philosophies regarding how often you should stop, but this isn't really part of "The Rules". When someone in the car has to stop, you stop - even if you end up pulling over more times than a FedEx driver during the course of a normal work day. There was one exception that I can think of and that involved an all-night road trip to Chicago and a sliding door on a Chevy Surburban.

But back to the topic at hand...

Most road trippers will consider four broad categories of facilities to use when nature calls. Let's look at how to make the most of each type of stop.

1. Fast Food Restaurant: Bathrooms here are generally cleaner than those found in gas stations, but the employees behind the counter are going to expect that you purchase a McBurger or, at the very least, a McDrink in exchange for using their facilities. If you actually want a drink, this isn't a problem at all. But if you just want a quick pit stop, you're going to have to observe the following rule - do not make eye contact with the counter help. Sure, they may be high school kids making minimum wage, but their stare is guaranteed to guilt all but the most calloused souls into making a purchase. You must enter the establishment, do your deed, and then exit quickly with your head down. If it helps, think of all the times you've eaten fast food in your hometown without using the facilities. See, it evens out.

2. Gas Station: On the plus side, you do need gas when you're on the road. This kills two birds with one stone. It also feeds the novice Road Tripper's desire to "make good time". The Drive would argue that trying to "make good time" is a stress building activity that stands in contrast to the principles of road tripping, but that's an argument for another day.

If you must go at a gas station, please treat every surface as if it contains the ebola virus - which, it just might. Make minimal physical contact with all gas station surfaces and you will most likely survive the experience. Worry about hygiene later, the gas station bathroom is no place to wash your hands and face - unless you're a trucker from Nebraska named Jed.

One final word of advice: Pick simple gas station over truck stops, the newest-looking one you can find.

3. Rest Stops: Many rest stops were built along with the Eisenhower Interstate system in the 1950's and 1960's. That's also the last time most of these facilities seem to have been cleaned. I've seen all manner of rodents, other assorted varmints, hobos, and drunkards inhabiting rest stop facilities. I've also heard (but never seen) that certain rest stops are frequented by drug traffickers and prostitutes. As you can guess, I'm not too high on the rest stop as a bathroom break.

Nevertheless, here are the rules. First, the no-touchy thing described above also applies here. Second, if you can hold your breath long enough to get through the stop, then do it. I must caution, however, that trying to hold your breath and failing is a worse alternative than not holding your breath. The large gulp of air is a far worse assault on your senses that shallow breathing. Third, since no one from the DOT, DOH, or Parks department seems to be inspecting these facility, take a quick look yourself for anything you do not wish to share toilet time with.

4. The Great Outdoors: You behind a tree, communing with nature. I'm not advocating widescale public urination, but there's definitely a time and a place. The acceptable place, in my mind, is a remote location at a remote time. Not on the side of an interstate - ever, but country highways. Be discreet, and if you are driving in another car and come upon an outdoor whizzer, do the respectable thing and avert your eyes and keep cruising on by.

These are the rules of the road.