Tom Osborne Goes Recruitin'

It was not surprising that the University of Nebraska fired former AD Steve Peterson or former football coach Bill Callahan when the Big Red Machine stumbled mightily this fall. What was surprising was former coach Tom Osborne getting the post of interim AD to right the ship in Lincoln and then naming himself interim head coach. Osborne is soon ceding the role of head coach to Bo Pelini, but not before he hits the recruiting trail for the first time in more than a decade to pitch the Nebraksa program to the nation's finest high school ballers. Here, then, is a list of five advantages that Osborne has over other coaches when he hits the recruiting trail.

1. Saves the university money by qualifying for discount senior rates at hotels and restaurants.

2. Circumvents NCAA limits on phone calls and text messages by sending telegrams to recruits. Take notes, Kelvin Sampson!

3. Think Dr. Tom is too goody-goody to relate to today's youth? Osborne has huge street cred from signing such quality individuals as Christian Peter, Lawrence Phillips, and Abdul Muhammed. That kind of cache doesn't disappear overnight.

4. No one impresses a recruit's great-grandparents like Tom Osborne. He can work the room at a nursing home like no one's business. Urban Meyer has no leverage among the geriatric demo.

5. Unused "Osborne for Senate" campaign signs make for a heckuva business card.

Goodbye, Hawaii

The shortcomings of college football's Bowl Championship Series system have been well documented and discussed in recent days, to excess in many circles. But there's one problem with the system that I haven't heard anything about - at least not on the U.S. mainland. Hawaii got screwed.

The circular logic used to pair Ohio State and LSU in this year's national championship game is confounding. LSU had a tough schedule and came through it with two hard-fought losses and a conference championship. So the first test for teams aspiring to make the title game is to play a tough schedule. But Ohio State didn't play a tough schedule and still made the title game. In fact, Ohio State failed to beat a single ranked team (according to final polls) and lost their only game to a ranked team (Illinois) on their home field. So why is Ohio State in the title game? Because they only lost one game, even with a weak schedule.

So, according to BCS logic, teams can get in the BCS championship game by playing a tough schedule or a weak schedule. Or, they can lose less games than other teams in the country and might want to win their conference. What part of that formula leaves Hawaii out of the mix?

Hawaii is the only undefeated team in Division I (or whatever they're calling it this year), with one fewer loss than Ohio State and two fewer than LSU. They won their conference (the WAC), as did LSU and Ohio State. The only argument left against the Warriors is that their schedule doesn't compare favorably to Ohio State or LSU. While the WAC doesn't boast as many good teams as either the SEC or Big 10, Hawaii's win over Boise State has to be considered comparable to Ohio State's wins over Penn State or Michigan. And while Hawaii's non-conference schedule of Northern Colorado, UNLV, Charleston Southern, and Washington is no great shakes, neither were Ohio State's games against Youngstown State, Akron, Kent State, and Washington.

The real issue at hand is what more Hawaii could have done to impress BCS pollsters and computers. Schedule a tougher non-conference foe? The didn't hurt Ohio State. So the real knock against Hawaii is that it played the bulk of its schedule in the WAC. While we've already acknowledged that the WAC isn't the SEC, it is a Division I conference. And didn't we learn last year that undefeated WAC schools can compete with the bullies from the power conferences (think Boise State over Oklahoma). What more could Hawaii have done to earn a title shot?

Nothing. The sad truth is that Hawaii (like Boise State last season)was locked out of title game consideration before two-a-days ever started back in August. And that's the problem here. Fifty Division I teams play in the MAC, WAC, Mountain West, Conference USA, and Sun Belt conferences. That's over 40% of the teams in Division I. And, under the current system, they will never get a chance to play for the national championship. So there's really only one of two things that can be done to solve this problem.

1. Apologize to Hawaii and immediately award them a shot at the BCS title this season (in the current title game or a "plus one").

2. Admit that the "non-power" conferences will never have a chance to play for the title and split Division I into two separate divisions.

Choosing option one would of course be impossible because it violates the existing BCS structure, would cause five other teams to immediately want in on the party, and would possibly make Kirk Herbstreit's head explode. It would also force the BCS big wigs to take Florida's crystal football from last season and carve the thing in half to share with Boise State. Choosing option two doesn't exactly solve anything this season, but would at least give players on 50 schools a real championship dream.

Five Road Trip Urban Legends

Like many boys, I grew up with a basketball goal in my drive way. As I shot meaningless basket after basket, I wasn't just hoisting up bricks that would bounce awkwardly off the rim and into my neighbors' yard. In my mind, I was competing at the sports' highest level - I was taking a pass from Magic or Bird and trying to win the NBA Finals as the clock counted down to 3..2..1..

That's the way guys' minds operate - we're not just doing the task at hand, we're doing it at the highest level possible. What guy among us doesn't daydream that we're grooming the outfield at Yankee Stadium as we're cutting the Bermuda and dandelions in our backyard?

Road trips are no different. Guys romanticize the notion of hitting the open road. We think we'll have the time of our lives. The reality of filling up every 300 miles at a Shell station or getting caught for miles behind an Astro minivan never enters in to our ideal version of a road trip. But before too long, we tend to have short memories about things that suck on road trips and get caught up in our road trip fantasies once again.

When guys get jonesed about going on a road trip, we tend to have some common visions floating around in our heads. These are the things that call us to the open road, but, in actuality, rarely (if ever) happen. Here, then, are five great road trip urban legends.

1. Hot Girl/Nice Car - Why would hot girl in sports cars be cruising down the highway in the middle on nowhere? I blame National Lampoon's Vacation for putting this idea in every guy's head. What's that in my side mirror? A red Ferrari? And just suppose for a moment that a modern-day Christie Brinkley did pull up beside you. You think she's driving down the interstate to flirt with some random guy in a Dodge Stratus?

2. Stunning Scenery - If you live in 99% of the country, you may want to vacation somewhere that has breathtaking mountain or coastline views, but you have to drive through hundreds of miles of urban sprawl or non-descript nothingness to get there. Does that sign up ahead say "Scenic Turnout: Active Volcano, Next Exit"? No wait, it says "Red Roof Inn/Wendy's Next Exit".

3. Ideal Weather - Every road trip fantasy involves top down and the wind blowing in your hair. But what happens if it's raining? Or snowing. Or if it's 45 degrees with a north wind blowing? Or if it's 95 degrees and you're driving through stop-and-go traffic inhaling the exhaust of the grab age truck in front of you. See, it's tough to create the ideal driving climate. The perfect day and the perfect place for that road trip fantasy is tough to find.

4. Time/Funds/Money - The notion of a fantasy is to escape reality. It's a challenge to put yourself in the right place a the right time to enjoy a road trip. Why? Mainly because you have a job, a family, and a bank account with exhaustible funds. You live in the real world, not some Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous episode. So bottom line: You have one week in late July to have the perfect road trip or a long weekend in October. Good luck!

5. Perfect Playlist - Remember in Jerry Maguire when Tom Cruise was in the car after pitching his services to Tuck and he was looking for the perfect song to celebrate. Nothing would do, until he found Free Fallin', by Tom Petty. Well, we've come a long way since the days of the mix tape or scanning the FM dial, but it's still a challenge to match mood and moment on your iPod. That's even harder when you're sharing the car with road tripping buddies. Of all the items on this list, that's the one thing you should be able to work through, but still not easy to get right.

Fear the Falcon

My prep football career was short and indistiguished. I lasted one season in junior high and one in high school. My admitted goals were to earn a football letter for my letter jacket (which sported only baseball accomplishments), be able to wear a jersey down the school hallways on game day, and make it through the season without incurring major injury. Check, check, and check.

But there was a drawback to my "no guts, all glory" approach to the gridiron. I lived with the dread of puking during wind sprints or being pancaked by an offensive lineman with an 80-pount weight advantage. But never, and I mean never, did I have to live with the fear of being bludgeoned on the field of play by a giant inflatable bird mascot.

Watch the background of this scene from the Falcons pre-season game Monday night:

The Real Tim Couch

If you haven't heard, former NFL QB Tim Couch has admitted to using performance enhancing drugs to aid in an attempt to make an NFL roster. At least, I think he admitted it. A series of stories at Yahoo! Sports seem to make it sound like he admitted do doing something once - for a week, or an hour, or something. Allegedly, the drug of choice was HGH, and since Couch fell short in his comeback attempt with the Jacksonville Jaguars, we can only conclude on of two things:

1. HGH isn't living up to it's reputation as a performance enhancer, or


2. Tim Couch isn't an NFL calibar quarterback, even with the help of HGH.

While Cleveland Browns fans will readily claim the second explanation (Couch washed out of Cleveland after being selected as the #1 overall pick in the 1999 NFL draft), let's think about this.

Hmmm...after consideration, I'll also take choice #2.

In retrospect, Tim Couch was a system quarterback. The system was the spread offense of Hal Mumme and Mike Leach at Kentucky during the late 90's. At that time, few Division I college offenses had experimented with the spread, run n' gun, or whatever you want to call it. The Houston Cougers used it with a great deal of success in the early 90's, but even late in that decade, the spread was still a new concept in most BCS power conferences.

Couch was the right man in the right place at the right time at Kentucky. In the couple of years it took SEC defenses to adjust to the spread, Couch put up big numbers. Much like "system" QB's Andre Ware and David Klingler before him, Couch leveraged his college stats into NFL riches. but much to the dismay of Browns fans, Couch was exposed when he got to the next level.

I have no idea what separates a Tim Couch from a Peyton Manning or Donovan McNabb, but whatever it is, Couch doesn't have it. And no amount of steroid or HGH will ever help him find it.

The Rules: Road Trip Bathroom Breaks

We continue our look at the heretofore unwritten rules of road tripping with the age-old question of where to go when you have to go. In my travels, I've seen the entire spectrum of public bathrooms, from good to bad. Well, I don't know if any public restroom actually qualifies as "good", so I'll say "acceptable to bad" instead.

I've also been a part of very opposing philosophies regarding how often you should stop, but this isn't really part of "The Rules". When someone in the car has to stop, you stop - even if you end up pulling over more times than a FedEx driver during the course of a normal work day. There was one exception that I can think of and that involved an all-night road trip to Chicago and a sliding door on a Chevy Surburban.

But back to the topic at hand...

Most road trippers will consider four broad categories of facilities to use when nature calls. Let's look at how to make the most of each type of stop.

1. Fast Food Restaurant: Bathrooms here are generally cleaner than those found in gas stations, but the employees behind the counter are going to expect that you purchase a McBurger or, at the very least, a McDrink in exchange for using their facilities. If you actually want a drink, this isn't a problem at all. But if you just want a quick pit stop, you're going to have to observe the following rule - do not make eye contact with the counter help. Sure, they may be high school kids making minimum wage, but their stare is guaranteed to guilt all but the most calloused souls into making a purchase. You must enter the establishment, do your deed, and then exit quickly with your head down. If it helps, think of all the times you've eaten fast food in your hometown without using the facilities. See, it evens out.

2. Gas Station: On the plus side, you do need gas when you're on the road. This kills two birds with one stone. It also feeds the novice Road Tripper's desire to "make good time". The Drive would argue that trying to "make good time" is a stress building activity that stands in contrast to the principles of road tripping, but that's an argument for another day.

If you must go at a gas station, please treat every surface as if it contains the ebola virus - which, it just might. Make minimal physical contact with all gas station surfaces and you will most likely survive the experience. Worry about hygiene later, the gas station bathroom is no place to wash your hands and face - unless you're a trucker from Nebraska named Jed.

One final word of advice: Pick simple gas station over truck stops, the newest-looking one you can find.

3. Rest Stops: Many rest stops were built along with the Eisenhower Interstate system in the 1950's and 1960's. That's also the last time most of these facilities seem to have been cleaned. I've seen all manner of rodents, other assorted varmints, hobos, and drunkards inhabiting rest stop facilities. I've also heard (but never seen) that certain rest stops are frequented by drug traffickers and prostitutes. As you can guess, I'm not too high on the rest stop as a bathroom break.

Nevertheless, here are the rules. First, the no-touchy thing described above also applies here. Second, if you can hold your breath long enough to get through the stop, then do it. I must caution, however, that trying to hold your breath and failing is a worse alternative than not holding your breath. The large gulp of air is a far worse assault on your senses that shallow breathing. Third, since no one from the DOT, DOH, or Parks department seems to be inspecting these facility, take a quick look yourself for anything you do not wish to share toilet time with.

4. The Great Outdoors: You behind a tree, communing with nature. I'm not advocating widescale public urination, but there's definitely a time and a place. The acceptable place, in my mind, is a remote location at a remote time. Not on the side of an interstate - ever, but country highways. Be discreet, and if you are driving in another car and come upon an outdoor whizzer, do the respectable thing and avert your eyes and keep cruising on by.

These are the rules of the road.

A Mid-Summer Classic?

It is somewhat approprite the Major League Baseball schedules it's All-Star game to be held the week after Independence Day every year. Both events, at their best, stir the spirit of "Americana" and serve as rites of of passage into the dog days of summer. Much like a large firework display on the Fourth, the MLB All-Star game is much hyped beforehand, pleasant enough during the actual event, and then quickly fades into memory.

This year's mid-summer classic, held last night, was disapointingly forgetful. But isn't that what we expect from this game every year. You can argue that the highest drama of the evening came when Eric Byrnes shoved his dog into McCovey Cove, then fought the urge to go in after him when the pooch began heading out into open water. Even while assuring us that he was a responsible dog owner, Byrnes let the dog drift away while fulfilling his allotted two-minute reporting segment. Who among us wouldn't have preferred that Byrnes drop the mic and dive in to save his faithful four-legged friend? That, my friends, would have made Byrnes. He would have been a huge star. Another missed opportunity.

The game itself was decided largely when Ichiro Suzuki's taylor-made double careened wildly off an advertising billboard on the right field wall and allowed Ichiro to turn the double into an inside-the-park home run. The only other drama of the evening played out in the bottom of the 9th, just after midnight on the East Coast, when the NL suddenly rallied against the "dominant" Mariners closer JJ Putz. I'd never seen Putz pitch live before, but at least last night, there was nothing overly impressive about the guy, despite Fox giving us the "intense stare" close up of Putz as he got the sign from the catcher before each pitch.

The NL rally against Putz and his successor, Francisco Rodriguez, allowed NL manager Tony LaRussa to flex some of his considerable managerial genius. In a one-run gamewith runners in scoring position, LaRussa had slugger Albert Pujols available to pitch hit, but allowed punch-and-judy hitters Orlando Hudson and Aaron Rowand to hit instead. This move came in spite of an earlier in-game interview where LaRussa told a national audience that he was saving the versatile Pujols for a late-game strategic move. Ummm, if this wasn't the time to use Pujols, what excatly was Tony waiting for?

LaRussa, in my opinion, feared going into extra innings, having burned through his pitching staff and position players. Given what happened in the last extra-inning All-Star game, LaRussa probably also feared that Bud Selig's head would have exploded if the NL-ers would have plated a tying run in the 9th. If this would have been a regular season game, there's no way LaRussa doesn't use Pujols in that situation. But, oh right, this one counts. I discounted that entire catch phrase when Ichiro put forth zero effort to try to break up a double play way back in the top of the first. That's your MVP, folks. And that's your MLB All-Star game.

Eric, you chould have gone in after the dog. Kenny Mayne would have.

The Best Game Never Seen?

I listened to Bill Simmons' podcast this week on ESPN.com. Simmons and guest Marv Albert were reminiscing about the 1992 Dream Team and Bill asked Marv about the team's practice habits. Specifically, Simmons wanted to know if some down and dirty scrimmages took place due to the competitive nature of the greatest ballers ever (i.e., Magic, MJ, etc.). Albert replied, "YES!". Ok, not that emphatically, but he confirmed that the Dream Team did play some pick up games, with Johnson and Jordan picking the teams.

The hook of the story is that since the practices were closed to all but a select few, and since there were no cameras present to record the action, these pickup games have become something of an NBA urban legend. In the podcast, Albert more or less attested to the greatness of these games, which made me think, "wow, I wish I could have seen that!"

But here's the thing...I think I've already seen it.

How, you ask?

Let me explain. No, I wasn't at there at the fabled "Dream Sessions". But, I have watched most NBA All-Star games over the last 20 years. And isn't this what this was, a glorified All-Star game. Sure, all star games have from the late 80's/early 90's featured "not-quite-dream-teamers" like Joe Dumars and Reggie Miller, which meant more sharing of the rock from Magic and company. But there were still times during those games when the best five from the East were running against the best five from the West.

Simmons and Albert stated that these legendary pick up games were a result of the competitive nature of the Dream Teamers, who were sequestered for a summer in a Top Gun style "let's-see-who-the-best-of-the-best-really-is" mentality. But if you saw the 1992 All Star Game, which only predated the Dream Team Sessions by a few months, you saw Magic and Michael square off one-on-one at several points, especially throughout the fourth quarter. You can't tell me that the competitive juices weren't flowing then.

So I ask in closing, how unique were these Dream Team pick-up games? And perhaps the ultimate question: If the 12 Dream Teamers were picking sides, who were the two guys left out? Well, you know Laettner was one, but who was the other? Drexler? The Admiral? Stockton (who had a bum leg)?

Gridlock

We've all been there - some of us several times each week. You're in your car on the interstate. There is no cross-traffic on the road ahead. There are no stoplights. Yet, for some reason, you're not moving. And neither are the hundreds of cars in front of you and behind you. Somewhere, a mile or ten in front of you, traffic is moving at normal highway speeds. But not you. As far as you know, it feels like gridlock.

How does it start? Someone changes lanes and the driver of the car behind them lifts their foot off the accelerator. The guy behind him taps his break. The guy behind him brakes a little more forcefully. Eventually, if there are enough cars on the road, everyone comes to a stop.

I hate traffic jams.

I actually have a theory that the cause of all traffic jams is one (and only one) late 80's model Astro mini-van who's driver is torturing all of us by driving at 50mph in the left lane and then inexplicably changing to lanes to the right with little warning. Have you seen this van? Much like Santa can hit every house in the world on Christmas Eve, this Astro mini-van can clog the infrastructure of every major city simultaneously. If you see this van on the road, please let me know.

So what's the solution to gridlock? Some would advocate practical solutions such as ride-sharing or using public transportation. But that's too practical for my tastes. Actually, it's a bit unreasonable, since the nearest stop to my office is a mile and a half away. Nothing like walking 30 minutes in a suit on the side of a busy road with no sidewalk - especially in inclement weather. But I digress.

My solution to avoiding gridlock sounds a bit more pie-in-the-sky, but it can be summed up in two words - flying cars. Where are they? George Jetson owned one almost fifty years ago. Yes, that was a cartoon that was set in the future, but here we are in the future and there aren't any flying cars. We've got other innovations from The Jetsons. we've got videoconferencing. we've got moving sidewalks. But not a hint of a flying car. Is there not one engineer among the six billion people on earth that is working on this idea?

Please don't tell me that if everyone had a flying car, we'd have traffic jams in the sky. Please don't tell me all the practical reasons why the idea of a flying car is impractical. I don't need your pessimism. Don't steal my dream.